Hugo Chavez es homo

What do I think of that total lunatics speech? It was pyscho babble. But in all honesty, who cares? Obviously the congregation of that Church in Harlem loved him, but there's a good reason for that. I won't go into those reasons here because they should be obvious and I don't want to sound like an extreme bigot. Chavez's speech is just more proof that we need to get out of the UN and make them leave the country. Take your freak show somewhere else. The obvious answer is France but maybe they should set up shop in Antarctica. There are plenty of "Things" to keep them occupied down there.

All this dude's speech did was excite a bunch of liberals who wanted to give this speech themselves. Ultimately this is a case of sticks and stones.

That's my two cents.

The Lizard Man vs. The Gravel Voiced Man

I know that Bob Dylan is a very revered musician and is pretty much a legend, but I hate him. There is no way around it, I loathe him. First off I can't understand what he's saying. Second, he kind of reminds me of Vincent Price. I must now apologize to Vincent Price for saying/thinking that, but I can't help the truth. Despite all of Dylan's flaws he has succeeded somehow.

Apparently it has now become popular to like Dylan. Every early to mid-twenties person seems to like him. Do they like him because he's a great musician? Do they like his lyrics? Maybe a few of them do, but most of them just like him because it's popular to do so. Whatever the case I will not join those masses.

Perhaps his lyrics were meaningful 35 or 40 years ago but not so much now. He spoke to an older generation and I really don't care about his revolution.

Now, if I want to listen to a musician with a less than pretty voice I'll listen to Tom Waits. Tom Waits is quite possibly the most underrated folksy musician ever. I know that most of his albums have gotten decent reviews, but he is definitely overlooked by the public. His lyrics are not of the same nature as Dylan's. Tom Waits sings about far more interesting characters than Dylan does. His characters all seem kind of shady with that whole "street urchin" thing going for them. However you grow to like these characters because they are so unique and he seems to have an infinite supply of unique characters. Waits seems to sing differently on every single song. He can sound like Satan or he can sound very delicate or even romantic.

Tom Waits' lyrics give me the impression that he knows what these characters are like from personal experience. He can't possibly know some of the stuff he sings about without experiencing it first. While it may be a bit troubling to think that he has done some of things his characters have done, it also adds a certain level of authenticity.

I'm not saying that Dylan lacks authenticity, but I just don't like him. Never have never will.

So perhaps my grudge is not against Dylan, but those who like him because it's popular. I'm not into liking things just because everybody else does. My name is not Patrick Bateman and I'm not looking to fit in. All I look for is music and musicians that stimulate my mind in new and intriguing ways.

It seems like I discover one musician or band each year to add to my select few favorites. Maybe it's bad that I'm too picky, but that's just me. I may have goofy standards compared to most, but they work for me.

Sucked into the black hole of stupidity

Okay, so I haven't posted in a very long time. I'm sorry about that, but I just haven't had anything post worthy. Maybe I have, but I just haven't felt like posting. Hopefully this will be the rebirth of my posting. Blogging mark II.

So in history class today the professor asked us to tell him what we want out of the class. He broke us into eight groups and we discussed. Actually, I said a few words and that was it. Consensus says that our professor should do all of the following:

1. Give power-point presentations
2. Give study guides
3. Give outlines before each class
4. Give a summary of what we just discussed before class adjourns
5. Stay on topic more (he does tend to ramble some, but he's old so it's alright)
6. Give us more specific dates for tests, not just "Week 2" or "Week 4"
7. Tie in the day's lesson to modern society
8. Cut out all of the unnecessary chatter going on
9. Do everything for us so that we don't learn anything and don't have to do any work

What the hell is going on here? Does this seem stupid to anybody else? He doesn't have to do anything. It is totally up to the professor how he wants to teach HIS class. Yet my classmates found it appropriate to list off all this crap. What is wrong with them? What ever happened to reading the book and making your own study guide? We're tested on each chapter so I would assume all the answers would be hidden within each chapter.

This girl in my group had the nerve to a)complain about how much we have to read and b)say that there are too many distractions around the class-room (i.e. people talking about things other than history). After she made her statement about people chattering about pointless things, she proceeded to do so herself while the professor was talking. I'm pretty sure there's a word for that sort of thing.

Look, I loathe people who carry on conversations during class. It's both rude and distracting. What's even worse is when they complain when they're told to shut up. I don't understand it.

Moving back to the rest of that list. Why do we need power-point? All he'll do is read directly from it and it will be boring. I would rather take notes while he talks. The dude is pretty interesting and a power-point would ruin that.

What's my complaint here? I'm complaining about people complaining about having to do school work. It's called "school WORK" for a reason. Goodness gracious. I'm in a class full of morons. Additionally, I'm also in a class with a Polish guy that sounds like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

Well I'm done. I'm going to go play NHL 07 and chill before I go to my wonderful job!

What's my favorite Samuel L. Jackson film?

While this technically isn't a Samuel L. Jackson film, it's by far the best film he's ever been in. That film is...Goodfellas! If anyone says that Pulp Fiction is better than Goodfellas, they need to be kicked in the face by a T-Rex. Though I will say that Jurassic Park is definitely second on this list. However, Jurassic Park cannot touch Goodfellas by any means. It's the greatest movie ever made about life in the mob. You can have The Godfather I & II because Goodfellas destroys both of them. The only film about organized crime that comes close is Once Upon a Time in America. Okay, I'll say that movie ties Goodfellas for best mob film. I can't deny Once Upon a Time in America because I worship Sergio Leone seeing as how he's the best director ever.

Back to Goodfellas. Samuel L. definitely has a minor role in Goodfellas but it is a good one. He plays the loveable truck driver that everyone likes. Unfortunately for him he messes up an "assignment" and gets shot in his tidy whities by Joe Pesci. That is a very memorable scene from that film, along with several other scenes.

I really don't like any films that Samuel L. has starred in so that's why I say Goodfellas. It may be a cop out answer, but that's just tough.

What's better crap quality DVDs released along with films or good quality 6 months later?

There is no reason that we shouldn't be able to wait for a film to come out on DVD 6 months after the theatrical release. That would take away from the experience of going to the theater. You see the movie at the theater, you enjoy it, you are excited by it, and you soon forget the excitement. We need to have a period of "cool down time" in order to fully appreciate the film when it comes out on DVD. The DVD releasing at the same time as the feature film would be cool in some respects, but it would be a bummer in the long run. So I'll stick with 6 months after the film comes out. It's definitely worth the wait.

What's my favorite film that's a directorial debut?

It boils down to two contestants: Eraserhead and 12 Angry Men.

I've discussed both movies in previous posts so I won't describe them again. I guess it's really a question of which movie is more impressive as a feature film debut. While I know that 12 Angry Men is probably a better film, I'm going to go with Eraserhead. When David Lynch made Eraserhead he was a very young film student with very little money. He made Eraserhead on a shoe string budget. Whenvever somebody says that now it means like one million dollars. I think Eraserhead was made with like $4000 or something crazy like that.

When Sidney Lumet made 12 Angry Men he had already done several TV movies. Aside from that, he had Henry Fonda along with 11 more awesome actors. The cast of 12 Angry Men is still one of the most impressive casts ever assembled. The cast of Eraserhead is a collection of David Lynch's friends. None of them are household names and a few of them have died.

With all that in mind I'd have to say that Eraserhead is my favorite feature film directorial debut. While it's an amazingly disturbing/confusing film (just look at the image above and tell me it's not freaky), it's certainly impressive for a feature film debut. It's definitely not a movie that everyone will enjoy. In fact most people will probably loathe it.

What are 3 gayer names for Nintendo's new console?

Prior to this year's E3 (Electronics Entertainment Expo) Nintendo announced they were changing the name of the "Revolution." That was the project name for their new console and it was a pretty good name. However, the powers that be thought the system needed a gay name. So they re-named their console, "Wii." It's pronounced like the word "we." Almost immediately Nintendo got raped on the internet for their decision. How could they possibly change the name from something non-gay to something extremely gay? Some people I have encountered refuse to call it Wii. I really don't care too much because the name of the system doesn't have anything to do with the quality of the games.

Alas, the purpose of this post is to explore three alternate avenues that Nintendo could have taken. Three avenues of alternate fagosity.

1) They could have simply called the system "The Gay." That's just as lame and gay as "Wii." There are so many applications of that name that would rock. For example:
"Hey man, did you play that new Gay game?" "Yeah dude, it's totally Gay!" So on and so forth. I like it.

2) It could have been called "Dolphin." This was actually a project name for the N64. How gay would that have been? "Hey guys, I just got my Dolphin!" "That's great Bryce. You should invite Elliot over to play with your Dolphin." You get the point.

3) Why not take a page from Sony's book (just like they took several pages from Nintendo's book this past year), call it the "PlayStation 3." Seriously, Sony has got to change the name of their system. It's getting old and it lacks creativity. I hate Sony. They don't make good games and they don't make trustworthy consoles. Poeple go through PS2s like they do toilet paper. When it comes to durability Nintendo is king.

Three alternate avenues have been explored and I think Nintendo chose the "right" avenue. It's still a gay name, but there are gayer names. All I'm going to do is buy it and forget about the name. Just play the games and forget about the name painted on front of the console.

Is there any article of clothing more horridly awesome than the Anchor jacket?

You asked that question like a week ago, but I just haven't been in the answering mood. I'm ready to resume my duties now.

For those of you who haven't seen Jaws (if there is such a person) or just can't remember a thing about it; I've provided a picture of the jacket in question. It's not the best picture ever but it's all I could find.

The jacket is truly awful, but at the same time it rocks. Who made the jacket? Who told the actor to wear the thing? There are so many questions that can be asked about that jacket.

As far as I know there definitely no article of clothing more "horridly awesome" than the anchor jacket. You can try and find it but you never will. It's a jacket with freaking anchors on it! How can you top that?

What would the [new] Brawny guy's daytime soap name be?

I was thinking about how funny it would be if someone were to make a story about the Brawny paper towel guy. Well here we are trying to figure out certain things about his would-be life. It's just funny how things work out so well.

His daytime soap name would be Bolt or Colton. One of those two would definitely fit him quite well. His gay lover's name would have to be Bryce. Bolt/Colton would never date any man with a name other than Bryce. I mean, a man has to have some standards. Another interesting note; only Bolton(?) could wear flannel or long john's. Bryce would be the business-person in the relationship.

There's just so much that could be said about their relationship. Alas, you'll have to watch it unfold on this week's episode of "The Gays of Our Lives."

Mr. Clean vs. Brawny Paper Towel Guy

The ultimate battle of cleaning giants. Yeah, but what are the squaring off at? Well let's go through all of the possibilities. If they were to get into a fight I would have to choose Mr. Clean to beat the Old Brawny Paper Towel Guy. The New Brawny Paper Towel Guy would definitely beat up Mr. Clean though. However, the New Brawny PT is on steroids and therefore he has an advantage. So I guess he would be disqualified.

If they were both tasked to seduce young children the Old Brawny Guy would win. Look at him, he looks like one of the Village People. I guarantee there's a glass dish of Werther's in his car and house. That dude is always ready to abduct a child.

Best dressed? I have to go with Mr. Clean. While a plain white tee is very bland and ugly, it's no where near as gay as flannel. What do you think we you see flannel? Gay lumberjack. Though Mr. Clean does look like a gay sailor.

Who would win in a race? Mr. Clean no doubt about it. The old Brawny guy would power walk while the new Brawny guy is too beefy to run. Mr. Clean probably isn't very fast but he can definitely outrun Brawny guy.

I think that about covers it. Overall Mr. Clean is just better than the Brawny Paper Towel Guy, old and new.

What are 3 redeeming qualities to movies based on TV shows?

Well there certainly can't be too many redeeming qualities. Most TV shows are complete crap. There are very few shows that are actually good. South Park, Seinfeld (before it was ruined), The Simpsons (10+ years ago), Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Larry Sanders Show, Mr. Show, Cheap Seats, Arliss, etc. I named off eight good shows and for every one good show there must be 25 bad shows. This isn't about statistics though. This about redeeming qualities.

1) Movies are longer than TV shows. There are certain times I wish South Park was longer and the movie provided that. However some shows are just fine with 22 minutes. For the most part longer is better.

2) Movies have higher production values. TV shows have limited budgets which leads to bland sets. A higher budget means better sets, better effects, better casts, better everything.

3) Movies have a lot more freedom when it comes to the script. Take the South Park movie for example...again: in the show the boys toss profanities around frequently and they are bleeped out. That is fine for television but movies are allowed to unbleep those words. In most situations that may be pointless, but South Park is so absurd that it's funny. They push the limits on Comedy Central as far as TV is concerned, but a movie lets them truly express themselves.

There ya go, three redeeming qualities. Enjoy.

Do I agree that soccer players are well conditioned?

There's no doubt that soccer players are amongst the most well conditioned athletes in the world. I think that bikers are probably better conditioned, not the pull-your-baby-behind-your-bike bikers, obviously the professional bikers like Lance. Wait a minute, triathletes! Those people are ridiculously well conditioned. There is no tougher feat in all of sports/track & field, and I know that from personal experience.

So yeah, soccer players are well conditioned but soccer sucks. There's nothing more pathetic than watching a soccer player flop and flail while trying to draw a yellow card. I know that players in other sports take dives, but soccer players look the absolute gayest when trying to draw a penalty.

Alright, I'll stop bashing soccer now. I've got to save up this angst to not watch the final World Cup match.